Thursday, June 29, 2006

9.00?!? Its usually noon by now?!?!?

I thought the people that actually travel to nice countries get their cycadian rhythms mixed up but no, getting up early to see them off at the airport also has dreadful effects on your sanity.
So, Lexie has gone (well, nearly) to Australia and I'm sat here moping around in the college computer room waiting for my tutor can appear so I can sign the bloody dotted line and be free of here.

EXAMS ARE OVER!

And I have stolen most of Lexie's Family Guy collection and I now know I'm going to spend my 6 weeks without her with the Griffins.

Exam highjinx....

not always a good thing.
Some of you may have heard but on "Monday at about 3.30" as Rostron put it, I put a hole in a College wall. Yes, it was an accident. The exam I had actually went quite well and it was mereley high spirited energy that led me to run up a wall.... assuming it was solid.... Sadly for me and the poor souls who had to repare my damage, the wall was kinda hollow and made of plaster. My foot went through it.

After a nice chat with Rostron (I have the vauge feeling he was threating me that if I was not complient he would tell my university i was a 'bad guy' or something, probably just my paranoid brain) I am going to be writing a letter of apology to two people who my irrational behaviour has caused extra work for them and I shall also be paying a percentage of the bill for fixing it. (I've actually been kinda worried about that one....)
Anyway if either Mr Gordziejko or Mr Newton are reading this, I'd like to say sorry about the wall!

Well, a 'party in the park' for our wonderful group tommorow which I look forward to greatly, hope to see you all there.

J

Thursday, June 01, 2006

A Guide, For when the NHS hits the fan *snigger*

Colleeg is over! Huzzah!! Now for the monotony of exam leave and rescuing Loz from said boredom...

Out of boredom today and having achieved little else, I thought of this guide, which will prove more useful than the NHS in time….:
FIRST AID
In an emergency it is important that someone with a life-threatening condition is treated in the appropriate way. For instance, anyone who has been speared by a huge lance should immediately be invited to sit down and drink a cup of tea. Several people can then attempt to drag the lance free while waiting for the doctor to arrive.


There are many different kinds of first aid and each is specific to the kind of accident that has occurred:


Anyone who has been poisoned should be hidden in a hole in the cellar and covered in quick-lime before the police are called.
If a person is choking then several hard blows across the back of the head with a lump of wood are recommended. In the case of children, swinging the child around by the ankle has been found to produce dramatic effects.
Broken legs should be treated by encouraging the patient to dance. This will have the effect of taking their mind off the pain until the emergency services arrive.
A fractured skull can be particularly hazardous, as many people who have suffered this injury find it impossible to remember their PIN ad therefore, cannot afford the taxi fare to the nearest hospital. Anyone with a suspected fractured skull should be made to sit with their head between their knees while drinking a glass of red wine.
Burns are best avoided by keeping away from fire. However, should this become impossible (where Napalm is involved) then throwing petrol on the victim usually has spectacular results.
A dislocated shoulder can quite easily be popped back into the socket by anyone passing by. If the joint still doesn’t respond then amputation is the usual course of action.
Anyone who has been hit, head on by a combine harvester is advised to take two aspirins and lay down in a darkened room until told otherwise.
People who have been run over by trains are sometimes forced to remain at home for anything up to three or four hours after initial contact.

A special organisation called the Mafia exists to further the public’s knowledge of medicine. This is not to be confused with the Red Cross, a fanatical group of Russian communists from the 1950s who advocated euthanasia for anyone over the age of fifteen.


Doctors recommend that every household should possess a First Aid Kit. This should comprise of two knitting needles, a large rubber sack, two hammers, a nail gun, a selection of fridge magnets, lighter fuel and water, containing a few healthy spoonfuls of LSD.


First Aid courses are available for anyone to study (hahaha!!) at their local pet shop and usually come free with a bag of fish food…

Pass this on to someone, hopefully it’ll cheer ‘em up a bit, unless they’ve been victims of the above problems. In which case, censor as necessary.

EmoCPA Dai